During last night’s VM Rewatch of Betty & Veronica, disdainfullady and I were (of course) lamenting the lack of Logan in the episode. THEN talk turned to how awesome it would have to have Logan in this one and the comedic possibilities of Logan and the goat. And then…I don’t know. This happened.
This is a giant, un-beta’ed mess and it is easily the oddest thing I have ever written. Here tumblr, my gift to you: goat!fic.
(Or, How Logan Echolls Learned To Hate The Color Orange)
(OR, You Guys, I Wrote A Goat Fic And I Have No Idea Why)
At 4:45pm, Neptune High’s student parking lot is so empty that Logan half expects to see a tumbleweed blowing by.
After a solid week and a half of missed school for reasons he doesn’t mind coping to—an epic drunken bender once the realization of his mother’s death set in—and reasons he prefers not to discuss with anyone—the necessary healing time for a dislocated shoulder and a hairline fracture of the wrist, if he’d diagnosed correctly—Logan’s teachers had started putting their collective feet down. His after school presence had been requested for several make up tests of the Or Else You’ll Fail variety. Apparently the Dead Mom sympathy is starting to expire. Yippee.
Tests completed in a half-assed manner, and various other make up assignments picked up, Logan strolls back out through the echoing school and into the parking lot, kicking a bottle cap in front of him with every step. The cap skitters across the ground with each blow and Logan follows its meandering path, in no particular hurry to return home.
As first the bottle cap and then Logan round the side of a beat up old hippie van, one of the only other vehicles left in the student lot, Logan is startled to hear a loud banging coming from inside the van and…is that a bell?
What the? Drawn by the lure of a mystery, Logan abandons the bottle cap and walks around to try to peer through the windows on the side of the van. Haphazardly splashed paint covers most of the glass and he can’t see anything, but the pounding has picked up in pace and is starting to sound purposeful. Is someone trapped in there?
As he reaches the rear doors of the van, the banging begins to intensify in a rhythm. Crash. Pause. Crash. Pause. It sounds as if something is trying to escape by beating down the door. Unable to stop himself—just like every dumb blonde in every horror movie ever—Logan cautiously approaches the door of the van.
As he stretches out his hand toward the handle, the pounding from inside hits a crescendo and then, without warning, the two hinged halves of the door fly open, sending Logan staggering back a few steps. When he recovers enough to look up, there, framed perfectly in the now open door, is a goat.
What. The. Fuck?
In fact, Logan notes dazedly, this is not merely a goat. This is a motherfucking rockstar goat. Standing there, head held high, coolly posed in the doorframe, it looks like a member of a hair band awaiting only the wind machines to blow back its tresses artistically before making an entrance.
As Logan looks around for the person responsible for the goat—surely there must be a goat…handler…person. Right?—the animal seems to decide it has made its impression, because it shaks its head—sending its long, flowing locks flying—and hops nimbly to the asphalt.
Well, this day has suddenly taken a turn for the unusual.
OMG. I thought I was weezing, snorting and cacklng last night!
Literally in tears!!!! Can’t stop laughing.
You left off the ending, though. I’ll help you with that.
In the far corner of the parking lot, Veronica Mars watches the XTerra pull away, lowering the camera she was using to zoom in on the scene.
Thank you Clemmons for insisting on the immediate debriefing!
She sits for a full minute in stunned silence, before returning her jaw to its upright position.
"Should have listened to me about the orange, Logan," she says with an amused head shake, and then pulls out her cell.
"Wallace? About that goat…"